One of my sisters (I actually am not sure how many siblings I have, but that is a story for another day...), has made some life choices that have raked her over the coals. She has also been thrown some terrible hurdles. She has struggled an ongoing battle with alcohol, finding every Mr. Wrong who can't keep his hands to himself, and experiencing not one, but two still births. Through all of it, our relationship has been rocky to say the least, but we are sisters, and in our own dysfunctional way, we are best friends. I wish she loved herself as much as I love her. I think sometimes she may think my life is perfect, and I have got it all figured out.....Lately, that has been SO far from the truth. In all honesty I have nothing to complain about. I live in my own version of Paradise. I have a husband that loves me despite my difficult, stubborn, strong willed personality. I have five healthy, amazing, perfectly naughty kids. We have a stable life. We eat well. We know LOVE.
Here is the thing though. It is all relative. No matter what is happening on the outside, we all have our own battles on the inside. Our life experiences have led us to certain thought patterns, and we can be our own worst enemies. Lately, for me, I am driving myself nuts. I haven't been able to pull my thoughts together enough to even write a decent post.
You see, I have recently returned to my childhood home, my childhood neighborhood, my old stomping grounds, after 12 years living away. This is truly fantastic, a dream come true. Here is the thing though.....ALL of the ghosts from the past are creeping up on me. In this small community everyone knows everyone. We are a "drinking village with a fishing problem". As a community we have experienced much loss together. On my street alone we have lost three friends over the years. So, now that I am back, all of the familiarity is stirring up old memories, and I am processing these losses all over again in a sea of emotions.
Another challenge with all these memories of my youth.....is, well....memories of my youth. Memories made by a young, wild, free, independent island girl (not to be confused with any other young girl, because island girls are FAR more wild). That girl had far less responsibility. She had no children, chickens, or businesses to run.....And, she knew how to party.
Well, here I am, all grown up, being haunted by my past, being stalked by the voice of a younger me. All right in the middle of a really intense boat project. A boat project that is a financial strain. A boat project that leaves me with even less of my fisherman's time. A boat project that leaves me out numbered by little people for even more hours per day.
So, the more responsible, older me, is trying to figure out how to bring back some of the younger, wilder, more fun me......in some way that is congruent with raising five kids and building a business. I don't just want to be a mom. I don't just want to be a supportive fisherman's wife. Because, the truth is, even on a good day, my soul is being smothered.
The point of all of this rambling is this: today I ran away for a little while. I called my sister, and she said, "the birds are chirping." I called my sister, and she said, "I have softball practice." So, I ran away from home. I ran away from tension building between me and my husband. I ran away from being a mom. And.....I went all the way to watch my sister practice softball. I had time to breathe. I had time to think. I had time to sort it all out.
I came home with a new perspective. I came home knowing that I need to take a time out more often. I came home knowing that I am SUPER proud of my sister for getting back to her love of softball. She was right the birds were chirping.
Blessings to you.
Thanks for reading,
Island Momma
